Insomnia Strikes Again - Give My Regards To Broadway . . .

Amber Jardee and ME singing The Star Spangled Banner before a basketball game. I was probably 17 in this picture. This is the only picture I have of me singing. Strange, because I did it A LOT back then.

I think that I have written before about the reason I have trouble sleeping at times. I'm going to go over it again, for my own sake. I think a lot. I'm not talking about intelligent, philosophical thoughts. No, I just think about everything. What I have done, what I haven't done, what I want to do, what I need to do, who I need to call, what I need to write, what needs cleaned, and the list goes on and on and on and on.

I go to bed tired, but my brain is wide awake. It just won't empty. All those thoughts and obligations cram themselves into my consciousness and hang on for dear life. Those pesky thoughts jam every corner and crevice they can find until there is no where for them to go. I swear my head must have to enlarge to accommodate such greedy guests. Then comes the headache and the pounding. The vicious thoughts all have hammers and are now hammering on my skull, trying to break free somehow. I take medicine to subside their anxiousness, but it only works for so long. All that thinking has to go somewhere and it isn't going to be pretty when it spills out. So, Sorry you had to witness this, but there is clean up needed in aisle five because someone popped the cork.

Here is something that I have been pondering often lately. By pondering, I mean obsessing over.
I was heavily involved in my high school music department. My choir teacher, Cindy Quade, was also the guidance counselor. To be simple, she was awesome. She brought so much variety and talent to that tiny school. My high school only had about 60-70 students. Total. That means 9th -12th grade . . . 60 students. How much can you do with so few students? Mrs. Quade found a way to do everything and it was all done really well. I LOVED doing show choir, dinner theatre productions, music festivals, choir concerts, singing the National Anthem at games, the works. My 12th grade year, I worked as her teachers aide. I came to her with so many ideas, and most of them she consented to doing. She gave me free reigns to do as much as I wanted. I helped put together our Broadway review that year, I planned what the theme was to be for our show choir productions, I even choreographed most of the numbers. I enjoyed every second. BUT, my crowning glory was when I got to sing with the Jazz Band.

I had, and currently have, a gigantic fascination with Frank Sinatra. He won me over with his enchanting melodies, his hypnotic ballads, and that voice of gold. I just mentioned to Mrs. Quade that one of my dreams was to sing THAT type of music with a real band behind me, just like Frank. She arranged it. She had the Jazz Band learn "Someone To Watch Over Me" with me doing the vocals (the band hated this song. they all told me it was, by far, their least favorite song and the wished the didn't have to do it. Just a side note) It was glorious. I will never forget how glamorous I felt. I don't think I appreciated it as much then as I do now. I'm pretty sure she has no idea how much that meant to me. That year for Christmas she gave me a Frank Christmas album. It is still one of my favorites. Don't you agree that she was awesome to say the least.

I've always loved performing, and the Carter County High School Music Department was a very available venue. I am proud to say that I think I took full advantage of that while I could. No regrets here. Well, not true, I do have one tiny regret. I had one more dream, to be in a Musical - Broadway style. Unfortunately, I was the only one. None of my fellow students wanted to devote the time or effort necessary to put on a musical. And, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't play Eliza Doolittle without a Henry Higgins.

But, High School is NEVER the end of any dreams. Luckily, dreams can live on past our glorious adolescent years. I know there are some out there that still think high school was the best time of their lives, and that life just gets boring and draining after you toss that weird square cap into the air. What's with the weird cap and gown thing anyway. Those hats don't look good on anyone, and they are strange. I guess I might have to research that before I go on bashing the age long tradition huh. Moving on. College! (I'm sure this jaunt through my past is enjoyable to no one but my mother, so you don't have to read on if you don't want to. Remember, this is just to spill my overflowing brain)

I did continue performing in college. I was in a Women's Choir that was sort of fun. I was in a VERY FUN, vocal ensemble called From The Heart. Yes, we were as cheesy as the name, but still very enjoyable. I was in a few school talent shows. I sang and played my guitar to anyone who would listen. I learned how to country dance. But, still no Broadway musical. No Eliza Doolittle.

Then I got married to the most perfect man on the planet. I forgot to mention that my #1 dream of my life, even before the dream of Eliza, was to be a wife and a mother. I was overjoyed to finally start fulfilling this dream. I love being a wife. I can't say that I miss being single even a snitch. I don't miss high school, I don't miss college, I don't miss adolescence. None of my past joys can compare to the bliss I feel when I lay in bed and night and listen to my husband breathing next to me and feel his arm around my waist. He is the best thing that has happened in my life. What else can I say.

But alas, as of late, my old Broadway dream is taking over. Eliza Doolittle is singing "wouldn't it be loverly" over and over in my head until I want to scream. I listen to show tunes ALL DAY LONG on my computer. When I have spare time I watch Broadway clips on you tube. I can't get "Forget About The Boy" from Thoroughly Modern Millie out of my head and I sing it constantly, even though I only know half of the words. I keep thinking . . . will I ever be able to do Broadway? I have no desire to perform as a career, but I have a great desire to participate in a Musical. I don't mind if it is a no budget church production or a community event. I would prefer that actually. I just want to do it SOOOOOOOO bad. I know New York is never going to knock on my door, asking for my name to be on a playbill. I almost think of nothing else. This is one of the reasons why I can't sleep tonight. *Big Sigh*

I won't go into detail about the others right now. It feels good just to get this little bit out into the void so I might have a chance to sleep tonight. Don't be surprised if another insomnia column shows up on the blog tomorrow.

Thanks and Goodnight.